Rant

So, I promised a blog on a series of work-related topics, and I shall deliver. Not the wine, B&B induced rant I had hoped to deliver (it would give a certain something to the piece), but rather a 3rd giant cup of coffee and lots of cool sunshine rant. It may be even better.

As look to move on to the next work-related chapter in my life, there are thing in my job to which I will happily say "sayonara". However, I am aware that other equally irritating things await me - it's just par for the course in life. Anyone that has ever worked retail has a list. Here's just a few of mine.

1. (Customer picks up a pair of khaki or black pants and says..) "What would you wear with these?" Umm.. Are you kidding me? They're khaki. They're black. They're a neutral-freaking color. You SAY you're a fan of "What Not to Wear" - do you remember what Stacy and Clin-ten say about neutrals? Oh - wait. I forget myself. This IS the Midwest. You ARE wearing a periwinkle sweatshirt embroidered with pandas and green threads protruding from the sweatshirt imitating bamboo shoots. I forgot to show you our periwinkle capris. And may I add on the requisite accessories - perhaps periwinkle socks and a scrunchi? Are you freaking kidding me? For goodness sake, PLEASE obssess over a pair of $20 pants for an hour - tug, pull, show me how the crotch is too tight, Pu-LEASE! Is your life that uninteresting and routine - that simple and easy - that you must create difficulty and strife where there is none? You are not your possessions.
2. "I was hoping you could help me find something to just wear around the house (include sweeping gesture made with right hand). I had in mind something nicer than jeans, but perhaps not as dressy as slacks". (Mouth agape, then quick head shake.) I'm sorry - did I wake up in Salem? Is your name Marlena? Where's John Black? Did Stefano drug and hypnotize you and put you up to this? DO YOU LIVE IN A FREAKIN SOAP OPERA? Who does that? Who wakes in the morning, showers and dresses for a day on the couch? In case the vicar comes to tea? Myself, I am known for parading through my house (on casual Friday's, mind you) in red silk robes with ostrich-feather topped kitten heels. A china teacup with perhaps 1 lump of sugar - perhaps a snifter of brandy from the crystal set on the silver tray if I'm feeling randy.
3. "Can you tell me what I owe on my credit card bill?" Why of course. Let me tear up your 3 month old statement you're showing me and call the credit card company. Then - let me get the run around from them and incomplete answers because I'M NOT YOU AND HAVE NO ACCESS TO YOUR ACCOUNT AND YOU ARE TOO DIM-WITTED TO KNOW WHAT TO ASK AND UNDERSTAND THEIR RESPONSE. Then, to top it all off, when I politely and patiently pull up your transactions to show you how the math works out - add here for a purchase, subtract there for a payment, INTERUPT ME - PLEASE INTERUPT ME. Over and over and over. With the SAME stupid question that has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PROBLEM! Tell me how you shopped in Topeka but they didn't have petites either. So you ordered your periwinkle capris and returned them. And I nod and smile and show you were those charges and credits are - on your 3 month old statement. Then question how you can use your credit card today when you used it last week - and you're just not sure how that works. Do the world a favor, lady. CUT UP YOUR CREDIT CARD. If you can't understand how it works, then do us all a favor and don't have one. Cash is your friend. Cash is your simple, easy-to-understand friend.

Here's to you, Katie.