Relief

The last few days have been long, and today has provided a respit from the craziness.

Last night was my final night of lecture for my 10th class. Afterwards, I went for a drink. After 2 dirty Kettle One martinis, I stopped by the store for a pot pie, then headed home to a dark house. I was greeted at the door by my dog - happy to see me as always. I ate, then headed to bed still buzzed around midnight. I crawled into bed and settled myself, trying not to disturb my husband. After laying still for a spell, I heard him exhale. It was a perfect reminder of the man laying next to me - a reminder that he was there - despite not seeing or touching him. It brought me to tears. The craziness and pressure of the few days lifted off of me as I felt myself coming home.

Other

I realized something on the drive home tonight. My family is becoming other.

I felt so whitebread growing up. Normal, white, middle-class, Baptist upbringing. Tonight I just realized that this sense I've had lately of "not in my family" started changing long ago. I hearing classmates in elementary school talk about their stepbrothers and stepsisters. I found that concept very foreign and other. Later, my parents divorced and I gained numerous step-siblings. Less whitebread.

Years later, my sister-in-law tragically died leaving behind a two and a half year old daughter and a severely handicapped newborn to her husband of seven years. Horrible things like that just don't happen. Almost five years later, the infant - no longer a baby - died.

And now, my uncle is missing and assumed dead. The circumstances around his disappearance are suspect, leaving his cousin - my second cousin - as the prime suspect. A bloody mattress left in my uncle's car and abandoned on the other side of town. His medication and oxygen left in the apartment they shared. Lies to neighbors on his where-abouts.

These are the stories of Lifetime movies and Law and Order episodes - not my family.

Pieces

I have a lot going on right now. Just day to day things are keeping me very busy - and living day to day. That's a switch for me.

I guess I feel a change rumbling inside. One of the things that most infuriates my husband is my ability to sit on things and ponder them. When things bother me, I tend to analyze why they bother me, how I might resolve them, etc. Then I may or may not act on those feelings. I know the things I need to do, but acting upon that knowledge is another story. I'll give myself a little credit and say this is how I handle things with myself. Concerning other people and their problems, give it to me and I'll tell you how to solve it and help you do so.

Because I am an instant gratification girl, I struggle with this. And how can one have an inner struggle with one's own personality characteristics? Beats me! I know that I'll look back on this period (possibly one of a year or so) as an evolution. I need to become comfortable with me. I'm not there. I was talking with my boss the other day - and it was a very casual conversation - but it came around to me, my future, my goals with my company, and my abilities to move up (and if that's even what I want). She pointed out my greatest flaw - the thing that could hold me back. Keep in mind - I am aware of this area in my job performance: I don't have a passion for the customer. Very true! I don't see a BURNING NEED to sell this woman a sweater. It's not going to complete her life and give her ultimate fulfillment. I feel I should also mention, my sales are right where they should be - but this is an area I could really succeed in if I tried. My point - I came away from our conversation fixating on this comment - that I already know and openly acknowledge - instead of feeling proud of her comment, "Sarah, I'm selfish. I'd like to keep you to myself. I wish you'd never leave." So, I have some work to do on myself.

...there's beauty in the breakdown...

Tomorrow I celebrate 5 months of marriage with my husband. Currently, I am listening to the playlist we used at our wedding. "Eileen's Song" by Burlap to Cashmere is currently playing. We saw them in concert when we were "just friends". And he was sweet - he pretended to like it (as much as I did) to engage me. Before this it was "Nothing Even Matters" by Lauryn Hill and D'Angelo... ooohhh... sweet baby-makin' music. It reminds me of cool summer evenings, candlelight, and soft sheets. Oh - and the next one, "Superheroes" by Esthero. One of the sweetest songs ever... I remember buying the album and listening to it in my first apartment. The way it would echo in the large rooms.

As messy as life gets, I'm blessed to share it with him. There isn't much that truly frightens me, but life without him is on the top of my list.